current state

It is hard not to just vent away on this post, but I won’t.  It will just make me seem ungrateful and angry.  And I couldn’t be further from both.  However, the days leading up to this trip have been challenging.  I will get the first one out and try to be done with it. My husband.  He has never wanted to go, so he has made no plans that he was actually going to get in the car today.  He hasn’t packed.  He didn’t take time off from work.  He even went so far to say he “didn’t know the plan” despite my efforts to include him in it all.

When he arrived home from a work (green beer/Irish car bomb fest) function in San Francisco last night, he found H moaning in pain, claiming his belly hurt.  He was sitting on the toilet, crying.  This had been going on for about an hour before he got home; the three hours prior were spent roller skating with the kids next door.  Our neighbors have been to Disneyland at least ten times in the past five years.  Those types of people.  I think all the talk made H nervous.  So nervous that he puked everywhere.  All over his room.  For background, Harry barfed all day the day that Weez was born.  Even though it was a planned, scheduled event, he felt out of control, excited (maybe), scared and nervous.  I think the same situation was going on last night.  Regardless, the cussing and irritation hit an all time high with G as he scrubbed the carpet in disgust.  I was furious, tired, sad and desperate.

With H’s sheets in the wash, I continued packing.  I made him a bed on the kid’s couch and sat a barf bowl near by.  I asked God silently for guidance.  I questioned all of my behaviors and words leading up to this night.  Was I too vague with G to avoid the negativity?  Did I intentionally leave him out?  Did I make too big of a deal of Weezy’s banner report card and award in front of H?  Or were the school meatballs just so gross, they were the culprit?

I am a planner.  I am a doer.  I need things to go seamlessly.  I like praise.  I need pats on the back.  I love hearing affirmation.

We’ve pushed back our departure time, and are trying to take it easy around the house for a bit.  I will continue to stay positive, and finish packing.  That’s what my gut is telling me to do.  For now, at least.  (tucks lip and sighs)

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